Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? Weighing the Pros and Cons

Uzone.id — Staying friends with exes is such a catch-22 – people believe it’s a sign of maturity, but others might think it’s a bad idea because when things ended, it should’ve stayed that way. 

We know that all relationships end ‘right’, it can be messy, and leave you hanging. If your relationship ended on good terms, it’s still possible to be friends with your ex. But if it didn’t, then it’s time to cut them off.

Psychologist Marisa Franco, author of Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends said, “There may be reasons to be friendly, even if emotionally you’re not in a place where you can authentically dive head-first into a full-blown friendship.”

Should you stay friends with your exes, or is it better to go your separate ways? Let’s explore the pros and cons, and what the experts say about it.

Why do people consider to stay friends?

After a breakup, the thought of completely cutting someone out of your life can be daunting, especially if you have a deep emotional connection. Staying friends can feel like a way to hold onto the good parts of your relationship. For some, it’s about not wanting to lose a person who has been important in their life.

“After a breakup, people often seek familiarity and comfort, and sometimes that leads them to want to maintain a friendship with their ex,” said relationship therapist Dr. Natalie Jones. “However, it’s crucial to evaluate whether staying friends is healthy for both of you.”

Before deciding, ask yourself some key questions: Can you handle seeing them with someone new? Are you truly over the romantic feelings? Or is there a part of you hoping to rekindle the relationship?

The positive side of staying friends with your ex

Staying friends with an ex can be a good idea if you and your ex have platonic feelings (you both don’t have any romantic feelings anymore and leave the past relationship behind). Also, if both of you have the same goal in current friendships, mutual support, closure, and emotional maturity, then it’s still safe to be friends. 

The pros of staying friends with your ex are: 

Emotional support: If you have a close bond, being friends can provide emotional support, especially during tough times. Some ex-couples find that once the romantic feelings fade, a solid friendship remains.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, author of Loving Bravely, explained, “If both individuals have truly moved on and set boundaries, friendship can be possible. But it requires honest communication and emotional maturity.

Maintaining a connection: Karyna Jansons, an Aussie Registered Counsellor said that staying friends with an ex can help maintain a connection with someone who has played a significant role in your life. 

“This can be especially important if you have mutual friends, shared interests, or even children together,” said Jansons.

She also said that it can be comforting to know that this person is still in your life in some capacity and that you’ll still be able to make some positive memories with each other even after being separated.

Personal growth: Breakups can lead to self-reflection and growth. Staying friends may offer an opportunity to show how you’ve both grown and changed, turning the experience into something positive.

“If you’re able to have these open and honest conversations down the track, that might mean there’s a certain amount of maturity within both parties,” Jansons added.

Negative sides of staying friends with your ex

Staying connected with your ex could be a bad idea if your ex was abusive or harmed you in any way, cheating, you still have feelings for your ex, lonely, and trying to get gossip about what their life is like without you.

Here are 3 things why you shouldn’t be friends with your ex:

Unresolved feelings: If one of you still has romantic feelings, staying friends can get tricky–and complicated. You might end up hurting yourself—or them by staying close to someone who no longer feels the same way. 

“It’s common for one person to still be emotionally attached,” said Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert. “In these situations, friendship can become a source of frustration and prevent healing.”

Delayed healing: Breaking up is hard, and part of the process is allowing yourself time and space to heal. If you stay in constant contact, it might be difficult to move on fully. Experts recommend giving yourself a “no contact” period after a breakup to clear your mind and heart.

Jealousy: Seeing your ex move on with someone else while you’re still friends can stir up feelings of jealousy and resentment. If you’re not ready to see them dating other people, being friends may only cause emotional pain.

So, how to make it work?

If you decide to stay friends, here are some tips to ensure it’s healthy for both of you:

Take time apart first: Give yourselves space to process the breakup before jumping into a friendship. This will help prevent any lingering emotions from clouding the friendship.

Set clear boundaries: Be honest about what you’re comfortable with. For example, you may not want to discuss your dating lives with each other right away so talk about that with your friends–ex.Check your intentions: Ask yourself why you want to stay friends. Are you genuinely interested in maintaining a platonic relationship, or are you holding onto hope for something more?